Ive hurt her more times than I care to remember. Broken her heart, waited for her to piece it back together only to break it again. And now here I am, about to do it again. Left with no choice but to do it again.
She loves me. She's always loved me and what pains me is that I am unable to say the same. What pains me even more is that I will never be able to say it. There's no spark, no flicker, no chemistry, no attraction, nothing but physical gratification. Something I had been longing for, for a very long time. Something that had been a splinter in my mind, tainting everything I see, everything I touch, everything I drink, everything I taste. I needed a release and writing just wasn't doing it for me. I hadn't written anything in weeks.
She was reluctantly willing. Willing because she believed that she loved me. Reluctant because it went against everything else that she believed in. That we believed in. I regretted it even before I was inside her. But I couldn't stop myself. I could have but I didn't want to. I wanted to, to stop that is, but I was an engine on full throttle; I was ready to go. And even though I was the one behind the wheel, I wasn't the one driving...
Ive caught myself in the most crushing of lies. And not caught as in found out but caught, as in stuck. Between the devil and the deep blue sea, between a rock and a hard place, between...well you get the picture. And as I sit here, I wonder, how did I ever get myself into this mess in the first place...?
Whispers....whispers faint but clear, far and near. Whispers that only I can hear.
“You already know the answer to that one dear boy...”
I lied because I thought that it would be much easier to pretend to love her than to come right out and break her heart...again. She had already forgiven me more times than I deserved too be forgiven. Had white washed her wall of hate and had still found it in her heart to paint it red and love me. I thought that it would be easier to try and learn to love her than to live with the guilt of crushing her after everything I had already put her through. I guess I was wrong. Hell, I know I was wrong. Living this lie is beginning to take its tole. I feel like my soul is bleeding. Bleeding right into the Devil's golden chalice, my old demons lapping it up, gulping it down like the devils they are. My already limping faith is now on all fours, crawling, begging, crying for help. But help will not come when I'm still like this. Of that much I am sure.
The question now is; will I be able to man up enough to deal with it? To break her heart, to set myself free but to do it as softly, as gently, as humanely even if it means as slyly as possible? With as little blood as possible? With as little cursing and swearing and gnashing of teeth as possible?
Well, I sure hope so, because that time has come. So tie up your boxing shoes kid, cos' we're about to go twelve rounds.
okaaaaaaaay, some times we gals are oblivious of what males are capable of
ReplyDelete