Midnight Sessions: Lifnei/ Axarei (As the Dam Breaks)

Time: A few minutes after Seven in the morning.

Place: A small hotel room.

Lloyd is sitted at a cluttered, uneven legged table-clothed desk. He is scribbling in a blue, hard backed exercise book. He is wiping at his nose, he is mumbling to himself, he is almost near tears. Tears? Yes, tears. But why on earth tears? Because he is picking at old wounds that he had long since forgotten. Long since thought had been adequately been dealt with by...well, by being quite adequately ignored into non-existence. Little did he know that God was just waiting for the right time. How often we forget that God forgets nothing. Nothing but forgiven sins. But what is he writing? What is he scribbling so furiously? Hmmm, Let's find out, shall we? It's not hard. All you have to do is lean over his shoulder and have yourself a little peek...

“...I Trusted you to protect me. I trusted you to keep me from harm. I took you at your word when you said that you would never give me more than I could handle. I was fourteen. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I couldn't tell what was real and what was not. I wasn't ready. I know that you know best, but you should have known better. Because ten years down the line and I'm still afraid. Still afraid to take the plunge, still afraid to experience you in a way that Ive never experienced anything else before. Still afraid of getting lost, truly lost in the expanse that is your majesty...the landscape that is your glory. Still afraid that getting lost in you would mean losing myself...maybe even losing my mind...and never finding it again. Because the last time I trusted you. Truly trusted you with everything and every square inch of my being, I felt betrayed, I felt lied to. I felt you threw into question my very sanity and for a very long time I resented you for it. And the fact is, I still do...”

***

They say that there is power in pain. That you can not be molded and hardened unless you've passed through fire. Well who ever they were, where ever they are, when ever they said it; they were right. This weekend has been exhausting. It's been amazing. It's been uncomfortable. It's been heart breaking. It's been tumultuous. It's been an experience I will never forget.

And as I write this, it is not the end of the retreat but the beginning. The beginning of something...breath taking. Breath taking being the only word I can think of because that is exactly how I feel; breath taken. Taken in such a way that I never want to be given back. He can have it. He can have it all. Because as drained as I feel, I feel at peace. As right as rain. As if God himself walked right up to me and said, “Son, today I make you the luckiest man alive.” And you know what the most amazing thing is? That's exactly what's happened. Only that luck has nothing to do with it. And so if keeping this feeling means losing everything else, then you can count me in. Hell, you can count me twice. Because the way I see it, losing everything, or what we as “us” perceive to be “Everything”, mind inclusive...would only mean that from there on in, I would have no other option but to gain. But to be given. And if there's one thing Ive learned this weekend, it's that God never gives anyone anything store bought. or processed. or diluted. He doesn't know how to. He gives you a hundred percent of exactly what you need. And do you know why? Because he's a hundred percent pure. He can never do anything less than 100%. He can never do anything less than perfect. A comforting thought considering the imperfect world we live in. But before I veer too much off tangent, I think I should end here. Especially since it's Two Forty-Six in the AM. But as head throbbingly tired as I am though, it feels pretty darn good to be up at such an ungodly hour writing about well, God. Hell, just to be writing at all. Ive missed this. Thank you for breaking the damn big guy...I owe ya.

Nitey.

Light up (Freestyle) Unthinkable

We live in scary times. In times of death and of blood. Of shattered bones and bodies being carried in sacks because they are too torn to be carried on stretchers. We live in times where it is the innocent who die. While the evil, their souls tarred with their crimes, walk free. Breathing our air, the air they have stolen from the ghosts they have made of the souls who used to walk these streets. We live in times where we lose loved ones and friends and loved ones of friends. All have lost someone or have lost someone through someone. And because we are of one blood, because we are all kin; there is no one who has been left unaffected. But even though this may be the case, I will not let this deter me. I will hold onto hope. I will live as I have always lived. Knowing that after the sun has set on this life, I have eternity waiting for me...

...And it is for this reason that...

...I will not be scared into love. No, not by bombs nor by threats of bombs. I will not leap into love nor by an illusion there of, simply because my mortality has been flashed before my eyes and there's now a real chance of me dying alone. No, I will not succumb. I refuse to be bullied into love. Or a wraith of what we call love. I will love when and how I want to. With a heart as big as the sun. and just as fiery. I refuse to love simply because to not to would be a liability. Instead, I will hold out for something better, for something stronger, for something hotter, for something brighter...

I will dare to hope, I will dare to live. I will raise my flag high. I will not be afraid to give. I will stand in courage, I will stand in love. It's black, yellow and red forever homie...yeah, now that's what's up.

Digression is Like Making Fists With My Toes; A F**king Life Saver

The words I could not say

The words I should not to say

The words I need to say...

she's leaving on an airplane tomorrow. Although for many of you who will read this, tomorrow is already today.
I have to be honest, secretly, I don't want her to go. I've just gotten her back into my life. But even though, a part of me still wants her to go. To get as far from me as friggin possible. It'll make things easier. It will make things harder. It will open up a portal to worlds better left unexplored. That I would rather not explore. To worlds that I must explore.
“Let her go.” a friend of mine told me today. “See where things lie once she gets back.” not bad advice considering she'll only be gone for a month and some days.
What?!? Only?!? I can hear you say. Yes, only. Five weeks. Well, at least it would have been if she had left when she was supposed to. That being Sunday. But seeing as she's now leaving on Wednesday evening, its now five weeks minus three days. Like I said, a month and some days.
Gosh, listen to me, pining over her like some love sick puppy. Its a little embarrassing. After all this time, after everything that has happened, I still want her back. But then I guess we both know that. Have both known that. Not that its really that stretch of the imagination. Why else would I suddenly want to be a part of her life again. And her in mine? Guesses anyone? Apart from the obvious. Yup, thats what I thought. You cant think of a single thing, can you? That's okay. Its not your fault. Neither can I...

God, these mosquitoes are annoying. Who knew living so close to the lake would be such a friggin nuisance?
I watched Die Hard again last night. It must have been for like the umpteenth time. Remember the opening scene when the passenger sitting next to Bruce Willis on the plane told him that the best way to unwind after a flight was to take off your shoes, take off your socks, place your feet flat on the carpet and proceed to make fists with your toes? Well guess what I'm doing...
while eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, drinking a glass of milk and typing with one hand...and I ask myself why I'm putting on weight. I must be close to ninety now. Dude, I need to lose some weight. These love handles I'm flossing just aint doing it for me. Methodology? Lemme see. Jogging? No. Biking? Nadda. Swimming? Hmmmm. I could try eating less. Gimme two weeks on a crash diet and I'll be back down to seventy-five easy. Then, it would be time to hit the gym and work my way up make to eighty-five. Gosh that sounds like too much work. You know what? How about I just lie and say i'm comfortable with the way I am now?
Nice digression, dont you think? From the topic that shall not be named for fear of reintroduction into this current post. Above not mentioned topic will have many posts dedicated to it in the following weeks, believe me.
Its getting to be that time. Time check: 1:33 am and my lil digression is beginning to wear off. One small thing and i'm thrown off kilter. Damn facebook. Damn it to hell. At least until the first grey streaks of morning and sanity returns. Listen to me biting myself. I really do need to call it a night. So until the first grey streaks of morning and sanity returns...
Holla.

Public Service Announcement

Announcer: This is a public service announcement brought to you, in

part, by Tim Brady.

Our Protagonist (that would be me): (whispered): Tell 'em I don't give a fuck

Announcer: Tim Brady does not give a FUCK...what you think!

Our Protagonist: Tell 'em to suck it

Announcer: If you don't like it, you can suck his fucking cock!

O.P: Tell 'em they kissed my ass

Announcer: Little did you know, upon reading this post, you have just

kissed his ass!

O.P: Tell 'em I'm fed up

Announcer: Tim Brady is fed up with your shit...and he's going to kill you!

O.P: Yeah

Announcer: Uh...anything else?

O.P: Yeah...SUE ME. 

Okay, so Ive so wanted to do that for like the longest time. And dont worry, i'm not gonna kill you. Not unless you get too close during one of my rage black outs. I'm not saying its happened before...its just that you can never be too careful...can you?
Inhale, exhale. Think blog post...
*sigh*
Better...
So it was wednesday when I had one of these

shoved in my face. Ive never been one to turn down a free beer (hello! Its a free beer!) but this new variety of lager kind of made me pause. Leave alone that it was served warm (and yes, because this is Uganda, room temperature often qualifies as warm so please no trying to sugar coat it by saying that its scientifically proven that drinks served at room temp. are actually more healthy for you cuz I aint buying it missy), it just didnt taste right.

Oh yeah, setting. I always seem to forget that. This was at Mateo's. You know, bar slash restaurant slash bathroom quickie center...for those of you who are curious...NO, i'm not going to elaborate. All you need to know that its starting to become a trend and i'm beginning to get a little worried.
Dusk.
Okay so it was more like twilight but I like the way that dusk sounds. It makes it sound all “i'm about to embark on the best campfire story ever” and shit. You know how they go:
(Crackling fire, flashlight in hand held beneath your chin, its beam distorting your face casting the hollows of your cheeks and your eyes in shadow) “Our story begins at dusk. On the eve of the summer solstice...” And Ex-Girlfriend-Who-It-Always-Seems-To-Be-Complicated-One-Way-Or-Another-With (lets call her...New-New because that was the name of Lauren London's character in ATL and I am on such a Lauren London bend right now that it should be illegal) was ushering this lil shin dig that was supposed to be promoting this new beverage that I (Pah-toowee!) personally found insufferable. 

It was my first time seeing her in about two months. Her first time seeing me with my hair short, the added pounds and the whole “nigga I'm grown” shirt and tie get up I was on...minus the tie.
She looked good. More than that, she looked gorgeous. Not that I told her so. Do you think that maybe I should have? Like really? Do you think Our Protagonist may have made a boo-boo? No matter. I'll make up for it. In a VERY big way. You best believe that.
Coincidence that I was there? Nah. She invited me. So what if she was working. It was a chance to see her again. Especially since she was leaving for...uh, for Finland in a few days. (The power is in the details love...yeah, you know i'm talking to you)
and work she did. Only stopping by my table every so often to check on me after my so called “friends” high tailed it, leaving me all alone. Lucky for me she didn't have to work long. After her and her girlfriends had finished eating a free pizza from Mr. I Hope This Will Get Me Somewhere (and no, that wasn't me, Ive got way too much swag for that) it was time to go home. We lived in the same direction now and so naturally we walked down to Cooper Complex together to get our respective taxis.
Long story short, (cuz bruh, I really need to get some sleep) that gnawing in my stomach, the one that kept on telling me that I missed her more than what was probably healthy...kept on gnawing. If anything, it got worse. I had gotten a little nibble, now I wanted to have the whole friggin' sandwich. Yeah, bad metaphor, I know. But you know what? I'm tired. And you know what else? Maybe I should stop writing these so called “Midnight Sessions”. Even though it's closer to early morning. 4:02 am to be exact. What do you think?
Anyway, Ive seen her almost everyday since then. And a day hasn't passed when I haven't at least heard her voice.
I told her I missed her. And that was/is the truth.

I wish I could see into your mind. I wish I could read minds. It would make life a whole lot more simple. But since I cant, I guess I'm just going to have to make do with this. This being my Public Service Announcement.

4:11 am

How To Survive a Mud Slide: The Weekend Round Up

And so ends another weekend...not the most exciting Ive had but it had its well...not quite perks, but it had its moments. Drenched hoodie and squishy shoes (I'm sooo dreading having to clean those sons of bitches...I need to get myself a washing machine!), red bull and boxed vodka (or was it whiskey? Not quite sure, not that it matters, it still got the job done in record time), various cameos from Kigowa's Finest (whatever happened to us guys? We used to have that “solidah”, now we're so splintered its like we never were. I guess that's what happens when people grow up, move on and move out), food court chillin after midnight at Oasis while all the other night time lemmings milled about on the ground floor looking like a bunch of brainless ninnies (and yes I did say ninnies, you'll have to forgive me if I sound a little, well, superiotic. Not a real word mind you, juss made it up; root word superior. Thats juss how I am. superiotic that is.) hitting the dance floor at efendy's to “drop it like its hot” (I still haven't gotten the hand of doing the cryp walk yet), people still asking me why I cut off the dreads( get off it already, they're gone, they'll grow back, lets leave it at that), and the lemon mering cream on the pie; fifteen annoying minutes at Iguana with still Banging Body Barbara and I'm Too Cute For You Latta...I mean like seriously? What do you even call that? I had never walked out on a girl before but that was friggin ridiculous. And if you want the full story you'll juss have to inbox me or something because theres no friggin way I'm gonna waste space by telling you about it here.
All in all though, I give it a 7/10. It was a great distraction. I had fun.
But tomorrow's Monday and you all know what that means...back to work. * sigh * three...two...one...and here we go.