Too Fat to Fit into My Lucky Jeans (Gay, Straight or Otherwise)

Note: The following should in no way scare away my female friends…unless of course you feel you “qualify”…but even then…

I’ve come to realize something. And not suddenly; like when a small child is startled and they lose control of their teeny-tiny bladders. But something a bit more gradual. Like when you’re putting on weight and you’re kind of aware of it but kind of not, until one morning you wake up and can’t fit into your lucky pair of jeans that on average you wear about two to five times a year depending on how good of a year you’re having. Yeah, sort of like that.

The truth is…I’m lonely. It’s something that, to be quite honest, I’ve been aware of for quite some time now but have never really fully acknowledged.

So Lloyd, why don’t you tell us what was the turning point? What was your metaphorical waking up one morning with the inability to fit into your lucky pair of jeans?

Well, most of my friends are married, you see. And if not happily then at least they seem to be able to at least tolerate each other. As for the rest, they are either in a couple (gay, straight or otherwise- and don’t ask me what the “otherwise” is) or are so distracted by a parade of boobs, butts, dreads and bulging muscles that they don’t have time to feel lonely. Which essentially, leaves me in a pretty precarious position.

The marrieds and couples are always doing married and coupley stuff together like married and couples retreats, married and couples luncheons, married and couples anniversary parties…I could probably go on but I trust that you get the point. As for the happy singles (or at least the singles who are trying to convince themselves that they’re happy) I just don’t have that much in common with them anymore. I guess I just can’t do the whole “fast life-date life” thing like I used to.

Hmmm, no longer a happy single but not yet in a couple…what’s a guy to do? Because as camp as it may sound, I’m at the point where when I see Married Couple X strolling through the mall holding hands I think, “Damn, I want that. Why can’t I have that?”

And the thing is…why CAN’T I have that?

Pause; think about that question really hard Lloyd…now ask that question again; I dare you.

Play; fine, there are some fundamental setbacks that are hindering the whole “for better or worse” process but that not to say that I’m not even allowed to ask.

Granted, but now let me ask YOU Lloyd; why CAN’T you have that?

Hmmm, for the sake of full disclosure I would have to say that my biggest setback is that I’m way too picky.

Not that I’m looking for the “perfect girl” mind you. Because I’ll be the first one to tell you, there’s no such thing. I’m just looking for someone who’s perfect…for me…oil burns, stretch marks, weird laughs and all. And all in all, that’s a pretty tall order.

What…? Say that again…? You want me to what…? Give you a list of requirements…? But why do you have to phrase it like that…? “List of requirements” makes me sound so shallow. Okay, so maybe I am a little shallow but that doesn’t mean…okay, okay, okay; you win.

I like tall girls. Tall and pretty girls. With legs for miles. Essentially I’m a butt man but really, all I really need is something to hold on to. And oh yeah, hands and feet. I like pretty hands and happy feet. But enough about the physical because I’m quite flexible when it comes to that; it’s the character that I’m a stickler for.

The girl has to be God fearing, yo. And not just the “Yeah, sure, I believe in God” type either but the all out, demon hunting, tongue speaking, burning for Christ kind of girl. That’s what I’m looking for. And the thing is, that major trait is an umbrella for a lot of the others that I value. Ambitious, caring, virtuous, hardworking, accommodating, supportive; just to name a few.

Outside of that though, the girl has to have a sense of humor as well as able to make me laugh. She has to have a sense of fun and adventure and willing to try new things. And we definitely gotta have some stuff in common otherwise what are we gonna talk about? I need someone who’s strong. Someone who can handle me because I’m not exactly the easiest person to handle. Like I said, a pretty tall order. And hey, don’t look at me like that with your rolling eyes and arms crossed over your chest. You asked and so I told you.

What was that…? I’m looking for super woman? You don’t think that I can find her do you? Well, I have my reservations as well but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop looking or otherwise compromise. I’ve come pretty close on quite  a few occasions but there’s always like one or two things that I just can’t compromise on. A shame really, because to everyone else every single one of those girls seemed pretty damn perfect. Well to everyone except to those whose opinions I truly do value, anyway. It’s those people who actually pointed out the things that made seemingly Miss Perfect, not so perfect after all.

*Small Chuckle* did it ever occur to you that maybe these people are just screwing things up for you, Lloyd? Did THAT ever cross your mind? Not really. And even considering it now, it seems pretty less than likely. More often than not, they’ve actually saved me from making some decisions that I’m pretty sure I would have come to regret.

So where does that leave you Lloyd…? That leaves me on the hunt. And pretty much open to suggestions, interventions, and applications…anyone interested?