I ran into someone from my past the other day. A lost love, a former flame; the one who to this day I think of as the one who got away. In the last place I would have ever expected to find her. In the baby isle of a department store. She was shopping for one of those baby travel bags. The one on her shoulder pretty much in tatters. Ben 10 I think. From what I could gather, it was a toss up between either Mickey Mouse or Winnie the pooh. Either way, it was another buck in old Walt's pocket.
Truth is, I had heard that she was a mommy now. A single one at that. The baby's father had made it pretty clear to her from day one that if she was going to keep it, she was on her own. Or so the rumor went. But you all know how rumors are. You can never really know what to believe and fact: I never had the heart to ask her myself. I mean how do you ask someone something like that without coming off as offensive? Damned if I know and so to avoid any awkwardness I kept our contact limited to the occasional “hi” on Facebook chat. A little cowardice of me? Probably. A bit insensitive? Most definitely. But ask anyone who knows me, I mean really knows me and they'll tell you I can be a bit of a Charles Dickens. An old English, epically egocentric dick. Therefore, my actions not necessarily off kilter of character.
She had little Gabriel with her. *Smile* He's a beautiful kid. Looks just like his mother. Has a little bit of his father in him too. The defiant look he had in his eyes as I walked up to him and his mother definitely belonged to his father.
“Hey little man.” I said as I approached them. Gabby turned. A flurry of emotions rippling across Gabby's face. A dash of surprise, a sprinkle of shame, a spoon of confusion, a sliver of fear, a shave of resentment...and not one ounce of “Wow, it's really nice to see you.” Not that I was expecting any.
Pulling her face together as best as she could, Gabby put on a lipstick smile.
“Hi Lloyd.”
She looked tired. Like life had kicked the shit out of her. Like she had been given a barrel full of lemons but no matter how hard she squeezed, all she got was sticky hands and a face full of bitterness.
But in spite of the tired lines, food stained clothes and carelessly combed hair, she was still beautiful. Strikingly so. Still the girl I had once loved. Whether she was happy to see me or not.
“Shopping for little man, huh?”
The quick rise and dip of her eyebrows, coupled with the slight downward turn of her mouth made it pretty clear that she thought the question a little stupid.
“Isn't it obvious?” her expression asked, overtly patronizing. I still hadn't gotten a knack for breaking the ice.
Ducking for a quick come back, I pointed at the shelf.
“Winnie the Pooh if you asked me. You can never go wrong with the honey junkie.” I said, managing to illicit just the smallest of smiles.
“Of course if Sponge Bob was in the vicinity he would be the obvious choice but in the absence of Mr. Square Pants, Mr. Pooh is always a safe bet.”
The smile widened. Now that was more like it.
“But that's just me...how are you?”
Gabby swallowed, my hard won smile disappearing back into its five combination safe.
“Good...bad...tired...”
Her voice trailed off with a sigh. She shifted Gabriel from her left hip to her right.
“He's a hand full.” Gabby admitted, nodding at her son.
“I love him more than life itself but sometimes I wish...” another sigh. Closing her eyes briefly, Gabby rubbed her forehead with the heel of her palm.
The moment passed.
“But enough about me, how are you? And what the heck are you doing in the baby isle?”
“Cruising for hot moms.” I teased giving her a small and playful nudge with an elbow.
“Lemme hold him.” I added, holding out my arms towards Gabriel.
Gabby seemed a little reluctant at first but after a moment's thought she handed the boy over, Gabriel not putting up the smallest wall of resistance. He was heavier than I expected but found the perfect crook in my arm. He started playing with my beard almost immediately.
“He likes you.” Gabby observed, obviously a little surprised. “He rarely takes to anyone that fast.”
“You should be letting him choose your men for you.” I said jokingly. Play nibbling at his munchkin small fingers as they wandered into my mouth.
“I just might.” Gabby conceded, wrapping her arms around herself. The smile was back. She was watching me and her son with a fond expression on her face.
“Don't look at me like that.” I ordered, mock offended. “Get Mr. Pooh Bear over there and anything else you might need and let's get out of here before little Gabriel's eyes over here lock onto something we're not in a position to get him.”
This time Gabby laughed and grabbed the bag off of the shelf. She held it up.
“Pooh Bear it is.”
She beamed over at me.
“Now let's get out of here. And Lloyd,”
“Hmm?”
“Thanx.”
***
I took Gabby out for coffee; Lil' G, as I started calling him, for ice cream. We talked and talked and talked. About everything under the sun. About work, old friends, high school; how easy it was versus how hard being a “grown up” is. At times it was almost as if I had never broken her heart at all. Like she had never walked out on mine. It was the most natural thing in the world. Not an ounce of awkwardness. She needed to talk and I was more than willing to listen. And as she vented all her frustrations I couldn't help but take note of just how much she reminded me of my own mom; who had had me at our age. And who, just like Gabby, had no one but herself to rely on. It struck a cord with me. It threw everything into a new light. This girl was a soldier. Doing what she had to because if she didn't, who would? If she didn't feed her son, if she didn't dress him, if she didn't put a roof over his head; who would? It's amazing how little people are actually willing to do. And for all the talk of family we have in this country, it's appalling to see how unwilling people are to lend a helping hand. Sure, blood is thicker than water but it's every man for themselves and God for us all; I've got my own mouths to feed I can't be worrying about yours. It's even worse when you're in a foreign country and there's really no family to be accounted for. There it was more like,
“Here's twenty bucks, go get some Macdonald's for you and your son or something.”
I remember on more than one occasion when the sun had already dipped below the horizon, the shadows were becoming longer by the minute, the air colder, the streets more dangerous and we had no where to sleep. A time when I could fit my entire life into a back pack. A couple of changes of clothes, a book, I always had a book with me; something to retreat into, a pen and a spiral bound note book. One book to get lost in one world and the other to create my own. Anything to shield me from the harsh reality that the real one was shit.
I remember one night in particular where we slept on some random church's Sunday school room floor. A couple of sleeping bags as mattresses, vending machine potato chips and a single can of coco cola for dinner. It was the best the Reverend could do on such short notice. We had literally come knocking on the church's huge double doors. We had no where else to go. Once he had settled us in as best as he could, the Rev promised to find us a better arrangement in the morning. And he did. Finding the most wonderful of families to take us in.
It was tough times, those, but momma had my back. Just like God had hers. I can't imagine what would have happened if my mom had woken up one day and just decided that enough was enough, she just wasn't going to do it any more. She could have just as easily dropped me off some where, anywhere, on a street corner something and struck out on her own. Without her anchor, her burden, her friggin' ball and chain and have the freedom to do whatever she wanted. Ive heard of stories where mothers have done it. But not my mother. She has a heart of steel. And as much as Gabby looked and sounded like she was considering throwing in the towel, I saw that same strength in her. She would keep on soldiering no matter how she felt. Doing whatever it takes. But never, not ever, forsaking her principles. And in time, she would be rewarded. God keeps a record of these things. I've seen the proof of this in my Mom's life. God has blessed her.
I tried to reassure Gabby as best I could. She accepted it but I'm still not sure whether she believed it. Her life was too much in the air right now for her to find much reassurance in anything or anyone. Least of all an ex-boyfriend who had cheated on her, lied to her about it and once found out didn't even bother to apologize but instead actually relished in his betrayal. She had no reason to listen to a word I said. I tried to give her one. To show her that I wasn't that kid any more. And by the bottom of our third cup of coffee, I think I had done a pretty good job of doing so.
Gabby set her cup down on its saucer. Glanced over at Gabriel who sat on the love seat next to her. He had been quiet for quite some time but was now starting to get restless.
“Lloyd...this has been great. Really. I really needed this. Thank you.”
I nodded.
“Think nothing of it. Really. I probably needed this more than you.”
Gabby chuckled.
“You've changed. Ive never known you to be modest.”
“You should come to church on Sunday.”
Gabby picked up Gabriel and placed him on her lap in an attempt to still him. When she turned back to me her eyebrows were raised.
“And he prays too? Who are you?”
I smiled.
“A work in progress. Mavuno Church, Lugogo Cricket Oval just opposite the MTN Arena. 10 AM. And bring Gabriel.”
Gabby eyed me with a little suspicion.
“What's the catch?”
I chuckled.
“No catch. So are you coming?”
After a couple moment's deliberation, Gabby finally nodded.
“You've got yourself a deal.”
I clapped my hands together.
“Good. Now gimme your number so I can hold you to that.'
Gabby laughed.
“We both know that's not the only reason why you want my number but I'll bite.”
She held out her hand.
“Gimme your phone and I put it in.”
After she had and after I had made sure that she wasn't duping me, it was pretty clear to both of us that it was time to go. Gabriel's patience was up. He wanted out.
“The man has spoken.” I said as I took care of the bill, telling the waitress to keep the change.
“Let's go.” I told her.
We got up, Gabby handing me Lil' G to hold. I took him in one arm and held out the other to Gabby. Gabby looked at it for a moment, then making a decision, she slipped her hand into mine.
great. like it alot
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