Monday, March 7, 2011

You don't want me, you want the version of me that lives in your head.../ As I try to shake the dust off

I could feel her heart beating in her chest. Faster...and faster...and faster. She was trembling. Her lips, her tongue, her mouth working over time. She pressed herself against me, wrapping one arm then the other around my neck. I could taste her. I could smell her. Beer and tobacco mixed with need and uncertainty. A fiery desire with the forbearance of calamity.

But as Mixed up as her mind was, as her heart was, as her usually sensible sensibility was, she far from cared who was watching. Dark corner or not, she wanted me. While she still could have me. While I still paid attention, before I found another muse. And if she didn't care, well then neither did I. After all, this is what I wanted...wasn't it? Some one to hold onto, to feel less alone with, to kill all those lonely moments with. Maybe even someone to fall in love with. To have kids and grow old with. But if so, if that was what I really truly wanted, then I certainly didn't want it tonight. Not here, surrounded by all these eyes trying their best not to stare. Beneath these muted lights, red and green and blue. Locking lips with my ex times two. Or is it three? I really can't see that far back. As atrocious and callous as it sounds, they've been so many in between.

She placed a hand on my chest. Pushed me away. Broke the kiss.

“I have to go.”

Her voice was a near whisper. Syrupy, indecisive. She made an attempt to leave but wrapping an arm around her waist I pulled her back towards me.

“But I don't want you to.”

Mine was low and intimate, with just enough “I want you” in it to sound convincing without sounding desperate.

Placing a hand on her face I leaned in and kissed her. Making it deep, making her want the same thing I wanted: for her to stay.

And she did. For a few minutes anyway. Four or five minutes maybe.

Then came the questions.

“Why now?” She asked, breaking the kiss again. “Why like this?”

I looked at her. Her expression made it clear that she was going to need an answer.

I cleared my throat.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, we have more fun now and act a lot crazier now than we ever did when we were together. And I'm wondering why.”

I sighed.

“Can we not have a Q&A right now and just make out?” I asked. I may not have known what I wanted but I did know that this was not it.

“No Lloyd, we can't just make out.”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because I have a weak heart. And I'm not sure I can take this.”

One beat, Two beats, three...

I didn't know what to say. Didn't know whether to play along or to say what I was really thinking.

Another two beats and with a shrug of the shoulder, a shake of the head and half a mind to throw in a scoff just for good measure, I decided to spill.

“To be quite honest Keira, I find that kind of surprising.”

She said nothing but her expression begged of a question...and so I answered it.

“In case you've forgotten, you don't do relationships. You're afraid of commitment. Being with someone is more of a chore than anything else. sound familiar? You dumped me, remember? So what are you saying? That you've changed? Ready to give us another try? What?”

Keira looked up at me, startled. I think seeing for the first time just how much she had hurt me. I thought I had gotten over it but here I was, five years down the line, the wounds she had left behind as fresh as the white, white Fila high tops on my feet.

She turned away, shook her head.

“Maybe...I don't know...”

Deep breath. Clam yourself Lloyd. Avoid drama at all costs.

I cupped one side of her face with a hand. Stroked her cheek with my thumb.

“How about we live for the night and worry about the rest tomorrow?”

Keira placed her hand on top of mine.

“I would like that.”

I kissed her again. Got lost in it. Tic...Tic...Tic...the minutes blew past me. Blew past us. Then all too suddenly, before I could figure out what was happening, the magical moment we had gotten lost in; lost us. And back came the music. And the swell of the crowd. The lights and the smell of cigarette smoke. And Keira? As for Keira? You ask...Keira was gone.

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