Coffee + Cocoa + Cannabis = Never. A. Gain.

I was high. Like high, ha-high, high, high. Like, "Hi, my name is...uh...just give me a second," and then going on to talk about my favorite kind of ice cream kind of high. It was the paranoid as fuck kind of high. The, it would not be a very good idea to be out in public kind of high. And so what do we do? Go to a public pool, that's what.

We must have been sitting a good 50 yards away from it but for some irrational reason I still had this fear that if I moved just an inch I would fall into the pool. I could hear words but none of them made any real sense. Everything seemed to be moving either really fast or incredibly slow and I felt as if my stomach was in my ass. When someone tried to say something to me all I did was smile because I was afraid that if I opened my mouth I would scream, cry or spit on them. I'm pretty sure it was pretty obvious and so when one of them tapped me on the shoulder, waited the full five seconds for me to turn and asked me whether I was high I smiled and nodded very, very slowly.

"Yeah," she said with a smile, "I can kind of tell."

I tried to think of a witty response but then suddenly found the label on my beer more interesting than the person I was talking to and picking up my bottle began to studiously examine it. That was the last time she talked to me while we were there. Sorry.

Back hair. Back hair? Back hair. I think someone was talking about back hair. I have back hair. Wait, what was that...? Would I show you...? Uh...no. Why not? Uh...just. Now leave me alone, I really don't like you. And yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you’re only talking to me because I'm sleeping with one of your girlfriends but you see the truth is, frankly, I really don’t give a damn.

Wait...I didn't just say that out loud did I? Um, well she doesn’t seem to be pissed off so I guess not. *big sigh of relief* Ok, now you really need to get out of here. Yeah, sure, I'm just not sure whether I can move. Ok, so this is what we are going to do; start with a toe...just a toe. Like that bitch in Kill Bill, wiggle... your big...toe...

Ah, good, it seems you’re not paralyzed after all. Ok, now slowly stand up, politely excuse yourself and get the fuck out of there.

I didn’t go anywhere. I couldn’t. Not even to the bathroom even though I felt as if I was going to shit myself. I didn’t get up until we all did. Shaking hands, giving hugs, mumbling goodbyes I silently swore to myself that I was never going to get high again.

Look out for Colors + Shapes: A Mixtape Coming Soon...