CSI: (The) Coffee Spirit Incident

I woke up naked and in a strange bed with no clue as to how I got there. My phone wouldn't stop ringing, its poly phonic ringer as persistent as that smear of shit that sticks to the bottom of your toilet bowl no matter how many times you flush.

Clutching at it (the phone sat buzzing beneath the heavenly pillowness of the pillow that pillowed my head) I tossed it across the room, its brief conversation with a wall quickly silencing it. Racking my brain I tried to figure out just what the hell had happened but all I could scrape together were tid-bits and small scraps of torn up mental photographs.

1. It was the middle of the month, a Saturday and as broke as the boys and I were, we desperately wanted to get drunk. So what do we do? Scrounge together some ancient looking notes and a whole lot of coins (worry not- food will worry about itself) and bought a box of Coffee Spirit.

2. Each box of Coffee Spirit has 12 tot packs and there were 3 of us. That meant 4 each which was more than enough to get fucked up on. I "germaned" 9.

3. One of my boys, Moses, has a sort of famous sister and those days whenever he was broke he would call her up and being the cool chick that she was she would let us hang out with her, all expense paid. He called her.

4. We went to Mateo's and drank.

5. We went to Rouge and we drank.

6. We went to Cascades and we drank.

7. By three in the morning our limbs were crying for blankets and mattresses and anything to make the world stop spinning and thanks to Moses' sister we were able to bum ourselves a ride home.

8. We were almost home when my other friend, Ronnie, decided that that would be the perfect time to up chuck all over himself, the floor of the car and a little bit on the driver. The up to that point Mr. Kind Driver Sir was none to happy about this, of course and jerking the car to a stop told us to get out. "Fuck you!" we all said in tandem "It's just up there!" I added, pointing up the road but one look at his face and we all knew the dude meant business and so we got out. We were pretty close to home anyway, we consoled ourselves and so we decided that we would walk.

9. I was wearing two shirts that day and so pulling one up over my head I gave it to Ronnie who took off his vomit smeared one and pulled on mine. And then Ronnie, deciding that he was suddenly hungry suggested that we go get rolexes.

10. Rolex; Noun: Fried eggs, usu. two, rolled up in a chapati. Served commonly w/ diced cabbage and tomatoes either mixed in with the eggs or added afterwards and rolled in with the eggs. Cheap and filling as hell.

11. We ate rolexes.

12. We then decided it was time to go home.

13. Blank.

14. Blank.

15. Blank.

16. I was at my front door but I couldn't find my keys. It was light out and I could hear the sound of cars whizzing past on the nearby Northern Bypass. How did it suddenly become morning? And where were Ronnie and Moses? Ronnie, as it turned out, was already inside dead asleep (the dude was my housemate) and Moses the same at his place. Instead of simply knocking on the door so that Ronnie could open it, I reasoned that Moses didn't live all that far away, I might as well crash there, all I had to do was pass through that swamp over there.

17. Bending over I puked all over my shoes. The smell of alcohol, stomach acid and the faint stench of eggs pulling at my nostrils. Once the retching had stopped I straightened up, wiped my mouth on my shirt and began my stumble down to Moses' place.

And so that's where I was, Mozay's place, although that didn't really explain why I was naked. I sat up and as I took a look around noticed my clothes in a heap on the floor. They were caked with mud. Shoes, jeans, shirt, hat- everything.

Looking around I grabbed a towel and throwing back the blanket stood up and wrapped the towel around my waist.

"He lives!"

Moses said as I walked into the sitting room. I let myself flop down into a chair. Moses was reclined on a sofa holding a bottle of beer in one hand and a samosa in the other. He was watching BET.

"Boyo, how you feeling?"

"Fuck, like I never want to drink another drink again."

Moses looked at me for a moment, a smile pulling at his mouth. Then holding up his bottle he said,

"Hell, I can drink to that."

He took a swig and then held out the bottle to me.

I eyed him for a moment, was he fucking serious? I mean I just told him that...

'You only live once homie." I found myself thinking and then making a decision, I took the bottle from him.

"Hell, me too." I conceded and took a swig of my own.



Look out for Shapes + Colors: A Mixtape Coming Soon...