Aptitude 4 Destruction/ F.A.I.L.U.R.E

i guess this is one of those days where i hate myself. one step forwards, two steps back.
even before "the talk" i was already feeling pretty miserable...
it's happening all over again. the late nights, the hang overs, the fucking "i want a girl to go home with so who should i call?"s...
i thought i was past all of that. i thought i had graduated on to the next one.
apparently not. auntie Helen seems to think that i'm slowly killing myself. and although a lot of her garble was self-righteous and condescending there was still alot merit in her words.
there IS something wrong with me.
i'm not happy. haven't been in a very long time. i'm twenty-three, one month away from twenty-four and ive done absolutely nothing with my life. I dream, i walk, i slip, i fall, i sleep, i cry, i beat myself over the head, i tear at my clothes, i swallow and spit lie after lie trying to convince myself i'm not some sort of failure. that i'm worth a damn. that i can still turn this thing around.
but now i'm not so sure. because every time i seem to make a little head way, something has to happen. its either this or its either that.
i'm starting to feel as if i'm simply destined for destruction. like its encoded in my DNA. like its inescapable...inevitable. like a vampires lust for blood. its evil, its dark, its loathsome...it is all of these things, it is more...and because it lives in me...it is what i am.
is there any hope? who knows. all i know right now is that i haven't slept in 48 hours and i'm friggin tired. i still kinda feel like i might puke all over myself if i lie down for too long but i guess, all things considered, that i just have to risk it...

Nitey.


listening to;
"warning sign" by Cold Play


(U Kno Who U R...)