I slipped out from between the sheets. Sat on the edge of the bed. Took a second to get my bearings. It was cold. It was also early. Around five in the morning was my guess. What time had we finally gone to sleep? I tried to think back, rack my brain but my mind was a blank. Empty except for one big fat question mark. What the fuck happened?
The early morning air kissed my bare skin, causing it to break out into a rash of goose pimples. A slight chill running down the length of my back, I looked around the still dark room for any article of clothing that might be mine. Shirt, socks…anything. All I could spot were my jeans. No boxers, no belt. I sighed,
“Well at least it’s better than nothing,” I mused to myself and got up to slip them on.
The room smelled of sex and alcohol…and was that reefer? I sniffed at my fingers. Yup, it was definitely reefer. That wasn’t the only thing my fingers smelled of, though. I turned to look back at the bed and there she lay, peaceful, a small smile on her lips. Like heaven itself had come down and kissed her on the forehead. And with that small smile, that little piece of perfection, came a tiny ray of light. It may have been no more than a flash but it was more than enough.
There had been a party…here. Her party. It had been her birthday. Twenty five. She had invited me even though I had thought that she wouldn’t. Even though I’m sure her friends had told her that she shouldn’t.
“And this,” I thought, taking a brief look around already beating myself up about it, “was probably the reason why.”
Fucking old habits man. Add some bottle popping; a little puff passing and the fact that it was her first birthday single in years and you had one hell of a recipe for trouble.
Fuck this was bad. What had I been thinking…? Oh yeah, that’s right, I hadn’t been. I let my guard down. We were friends. And it was her birthday. I should have just told her. Gotten it out of the way. If I had, none of this would have happened. Damn it.
Calm down Lloyd, it’s not a complete disaster. Maybe you can still salvage this. All you have to do is make it out of here before she wakes up. And maybe, just maybe, if she wakes up and you’re not here when she does, she won’t remember a thing.
That’s a big fucking maybe.
And it’s a pretty dick move. But what choice do I have?
Well, you could be a grown up about it. Wait for her to wake up so that you can talk to her about it. Let her know just how serious this is.
I shook my head. I would rather just find the rest of my clothes and take off while I still can. It was getting light out. The clock was ticking.
I turned around in circle. Now where the hell were my clothes?
As if in answer my phone began to ring. I had kept it in the breast pocket of my blazer and somehow, my blazer had wound up under the bed. How the hell it had gotten there beats me. But then, how it got there didn’t really matter. All that mattered was that 1) only one person would be calling me this early and 2) sleeping beauty was no longer sleeping.
Moaning, Samantha made a move to massage her temples with the heels of her palms.
“What is that?” she croaked, rolling onto my side of the bed, expecting to meet the hardness of my body. Finding that I wasn’t there however, Samantha sat up on one elbow and looked around. “And what are you doing over there?”
“I better get that.” I said hurriedly, avoiding both questions and then, probably looking quite strange to her, I got down on all fours so that I could fish my jacket out from under the bed.
Retrieving it, I freed the still ringing phone from its suede & polyester blend holding cell. It was exactly who I thought it would be. And as much as I didn’t want to answer it, I knew I had to. Pressing the ‘answer’ key, I put the phone up to my ear.
“Hello?”
“Where the hell are you Lloyd? It’s six o’clock in the morning and you’re still not home. We talked about this. You can’t be staying out like this. I don’t like it. And if it was me I’m sure you wouldn’t either. Now, where are you?”
Taking a deep breath, I sat on the edge of the bed and for the next 67 seconds proceeded to lie through my teeth. I had forgotten how good I was at it. She didn’t suspect a thing. By the time I hung up the phone things were as smooth as the half empty bottle of red wine still sitting on Samantha’s bed side table.
“So, who was that Lloyd? And don’t say something trite like your weed dealer because if you do, I will hit you.”
I sighed. One problem down, one more to go. Only this one wouldn’t be as easy. I couldn’t lie to Samantha. She would see right through me. And even if she couldn’t, I didn’t want to.
I turned to look at her. This wasn’t exactly the way I had wanted to tell her but what to do, right?
“Listen, I’ve got to tell you something. Something I probably should have told you last night but for some reason I just…couldn’t.”
“What is it Lloyd?” Samantha didn’t sound amused.
Moment of truth.
“I’m getting married Samantha…And the person on the phone? That was my fiancé.”
I waited for the explosion. For all hell to break loose. But nothing came. Instead, Samantha simply got up, carefully wrapped the rumpled sheet around her and walked out of the room.
And in my opinion, that was infinitely worse.
Coming next: “The Party & the After Party”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3gVqfgVF3I
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The Ultimatum (Strong, Black & Hot)...OVERRULED
I loved you. So much. But I can’t love you anymore. Not like this. Not when I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.
My heart’s been war ravaged. My faith in love and what it means to love, lost. And in its place, in its place a hole. A hole so deep and so dark and so beyond filling that I wonder, what is left of my humanity? Has this war left me a ghost among the living? An animal among the civilized? What is left that I can place my hope in?
A scrap book of memories. That is what I will carry along with me. Hard bound, hard pressed and hard won. Constantly clutched at but seldom opened. A reminder of what love can be, a marker with which I can pin point and not pass up a chance to have it again...
She offered me an ultimatum. I had to choose. She was not going to share me. She had done that once before, had thought that it could work but it didn’t. In the end, he still had to choose. He didn’t choose her. And so this time she was not going to put herself through something fierce when there was a way to avoid it.
We were having coffee. Me, having my customary iced mocha; her having her habitual strong, black and hot.
“I get it,” she said taking a sip from her steaming cup. “You loved her. And maybe a part of you still does. But the truth is Lloyd, it’s over. It has been for a long time. And although I’m not going to assume to tell you what to do, the fact is, you need to let her go. Move on. Because the only thing holding on to her is doing is blinding you from seeing what’s right in front of you.”
In spite of myself, I couldn’t help but smile, albeit a small one. I didn’t want her thinking that I was mocking her with the curve of my lips.
She meant her, of course. The thing that was right in front of me. The thing that I couldn’t see. Or maybe subconsciously, simply chose not to see. What she didn’t know, though, was that I did see her. I saw everything about her. And when I saw her, I saw my future. Stretched out before me like a glistening ocean, rolling over the edge of the earth, extending beyond the horizon. And boy, what a future. I mean, the possibilities were…the possibilities were limitless…
Then what’s the problem, Lloyd? Why are you still holding on? What good is it doing you?
Look at her Lloyd. And not just with your eyes; really look at her.
I did.
You have an amazing woman who loves you. Who wants to be with you. Why let a memory, a ghost, a wraith jeopardize all of that…?
I swallowed.
Why indeed? It didn’t really make any sense. But then again, when did matters of the heart ever?
Reaching across the table I placed my hand on top of one of hers. She was right. I was grasping onto something that wasn’t real. Maybe never really was. And because of that I was sabotaging every chance I had at happiness. But not anymore. I saw her. Really saw her.
I took her hand in mine. Squeezed it. Looked her dead her in the eye. I needed her to believe me when I said,
“And I choose you.”
My heart’s been war ravaged. My faith in love and what it means to love, lost. And in its place, in its place a hole. A hole so deep and so dark and so beyond filling that I wonder, what is left of my humanity? Has this war left me a ghost among the living? An animal among the civilized? What is left that I can place my hope in?
A scrap book of memories. That is what I will carry along with me. Hard bound, hard pressed and hard won. Constantly clutched at but seldom opened. A reminder of what love can be, a marker with which I can pin point and not pass up a chance to have it again...
She offered me an ultimatum. I had to choose. She was not going to share me. She had done that once before, had thought that it could work but it didn’t. In the end, he still had to choose. He didn’t choose her. And so this time she was not going to put herself through something fierce when there was a way to avoid it.
We were having coffee. Me, having my customary iced mocha; her having her habitual strong, black and hot.
“I get it,” she said taking a sip from her steaming cup. “You loved her. And maybe a part of you still does. But the truth is Lloyd, it’s over. It has been for a long time. And although I’m not going to assume to tell you what to do, the fact is, you need to let her go. Move on. Because the only thing holding on to her is doing is blinding you from seeing what’s right in front of you.”
In spite of myself, I couldn’t help but smile, albeit a small one. I didn’t want her thinking that I was mocking her with the curve of my lips.
She meant her, of course. The thing that was right in front of me. The thing that I couldn’t see. Or maybe subconsciously, simply chose not to see. What she didn’t know, though, was that I did see her. I saw everything about her. And when I saw her, I saw my future. Stretched out before me like a glistening ocean, rolling over the edge of the earth, extending beyond the horizon. And boy, what a future. I mean, the possibilities were…the possibilities were limitless…
Then what’s the problem, Lloyd? Why are you still holding on? What good is it doing you?
Look at her Lloyd. And not just with your eyes; really look at her.
I did.
You have an amazing woman who loves you. Who wants to be with you. Why let a memory, a ghost, a wraith jeopardize all of that…?
I swallowed.
Why indeed? It didn’t really make any sense. But then again, when did matters of the heart ever?
Reaching across the table I placed my hand on top of one of hers. She was right. I was grasping onto something that wasn’t real. Maybe never really was. And because of that I was sabotaging every chance I had at happiness. But not anymore. I saw her. Really saw her.
I took her hand in mine. Squeezed it. Looked her dead her in the eye. I needed her to believe me when I said,
“And I choose you.”
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Famous (?) Last Words
Tonight I lock lips with the Devil. Bid the world farewell. No tears for me mama, no…No tears for me. I’m ready to go. I’m ready to leave all of this behind. All of it…So let’s go.
I strangle a bottle of vodka with one hand and let Death take me by the other.
She said that it would be painless. That it would be as easy as taking off a t-shirt.
Pills…pills were definitely the way to go. Screw that noose around the neck nonsense. Why would someone want to go do something like that? Pills were easy. It would be like going to sleep. Like going to sleep and just never waking up.
It’s getting dark in here. A little chilly as well. Can someone please turn on a light? Get me a blanket maybe. I thought I wasn’t supposed to feel anything. Why do I feel so cold? Please. Please, somebody answer me.
Death turns to look at me. Her eyes are soulless white orbs, her mouth a cavern of crumbling tombstone like teeth. She moves her lips. Slowly. With purpose. She wants to make sure that I hear what she is about to say.
Her voice is like the final sound the soul makes as it gives up its earthly anchor. No more than a whisper. As soft as silk on skin.
“Why do you worry?” She asks me. “Why do you worry? I have you Lloyd. Just as you have me. This is merely a part of the journey.
“Squeeze my hand. Go on, squeeze it. Do you feel that? Do you feel how cold that is? I am the chill that you are feeling.
“Now gaze upon my face, go on, try…You can’t, can you? That is because I am the darkness that surrounds you.
“Don’t forget that you asked me for this, Lloyd. Not the other way around. I was more than happy to wait until your number was up. You had a good fifty years left in you. It’s quite a shame. You had so much going for you too…
“Well, no matter. Come on. We’re almost there. No point in trying to turn back now…”
What sound does a heart make when it breaks…?
I can barely keep my eyes open. I feel like someone poured sand down my throat. The sound of the TV is muffled. Like its coming from the next room. Yet it’s only five feet away. And my bones. My bones feel like stone. I can’t move. I’ve been trying to. I can’t even make a fist.
It’s happening, isn’t it? This is what dying feels like. Numbness. And not only of my body but of my brain too. Everything seems to be slowing down. Even forming thoughts is becoming difficult. Words, words that I used to know, that were as normal as breathing now escape me. Faces, faces are becoming harder to recall. Who’s face is this that I keep on seeing? It keeps on coming back, it must mean something to me. Come on, think…who is she?
I can’t breathe. Oxygen eludes me. I’ve forgotten how. How do you breathe? How do you live?
How do you…?
How…do…?
How...?
I strangle a bottle of vodka with one hand and let Death take me by the other.
She said that it would be painless. That it would be as easy as taking off a t-shirt.
Pills…pills were definitely the way to go. Screw that noose around the neck nonsense. Why would someone want to go do something like that? Pills were easy. It would be like going to sleep. Like going to sleep and just never waking up.
It’s getting dark in here. A little chilly as well. Can someone please turn on a light? Get me a blanket maybe. I thought I wasn’t supposed to feel anything. Why do I feel so cold? Please. Please, somebody answer me.
Death turns to look at me. Her eyes are soulless white orbs, her mouth a cavern of crumbling tombstone like teeth. She moves her lips. Slowly. With purpose. She wants to make sure that I hear what she is about to say.
Her voice is like the final sound the soul makes as it gives up its earthly anchor. No more than a whisper. As soft as silk on skin.
“Why do you worry?” She asks me. “Why do you worry? I have you Lloyd. Just as you have me. This is merely a part of the journey.
“Squeeze my hand. Go on, squeeze it. Do you feel that? Do you feel how cold that is? I am the chill that you are feeling.
“Now gaze upon my face, go on, try…You can’t, can you? That is because I am the darkness that surrounds you.
“Don’t forget that you asked me for this, Lloyd. Not the other way around. I was more than happy to wait until your number was up. You had a good fifty years left in you. It’s quite a shame. You had so much going for you too…
“Well, no matter. Come on. We’re almost there. No point in trying to turn back now…”
What sound does a heart make when it breaks…?
I can barely keep my eyes open. I feel like someone poured sand down my throat. The sound of the TV is muffled. Like its coming from the next room. Yet it’s only five feet away. And my bones. My bones feel like stone. I can’t move. I’ve been trying to. I can’t even make a fist.
It’s happening, isn’t it? This is what dying feels like. Numbness. And not only of my body but of my brain too. Everything seems to be slowing down. Even forming thoughts is becoming difficult. Words, words that I used to know, that were as normal as breathing now escape me. Faces, faces are becoming harder to recall. Who’s face is this that I keep on seeing? It keeps on coming back, it must mean something to me. Come on, think…who is she?
I can’t breathe. Oxygen eludes me. I’ve forgotten how. How do you breathe? How do you live?
How do you…?
How…do…?
How...?
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Daddy Issues (Censored)/ There Will Be Blood
I’m angry. ”Bitter” is what I think they call it. And even though I try my best not to think about him, to mentally block him out, to try and waste as little brain activity on him as possible, 100% eradication…not possible.
He still blames his not being around on my mother. Says that she kept me from him. Claims that he tried everything to be a part of my life. He wrote letters, bought presents, sent cards but not once were his efforts rewarded with anything but a granite like silence. And then once my mother and I left England for the States, that was it. He didn’t know where or even how to start looking for us.
Do I believe him?
Maybe.
Do I care…?
He’s around you know. Has been for more than six months. I haven’t seen him once. Haven’t even gotten as much as a fucking phone call. And you see, this time, there is no excuse. Not when he sits down and has coffee with my uncle. Not when I’m in touch with Peter, Paul, Patrick and Victoria. Not when I’m right here, so close that he could reach out and touch me. No, there aren’t any excuses. Not this time.
I guess I do.
And so what does it all boil down to? What do the signs say…?
I wrote a story about killing my father once. I stabbed him to death with a cleaver knife. Licked the blood off of the blade when I was done…pretty dark stuff, even for me.
Fucking allergies. They have me sniffling and sneezing and goin’ through clean hankies by the minute. White mucus means that your fine right?
He doesn’t want me. Couldn’t give a damn. Is more concerned with trying to get my Mom back than he is with cultivating a relationship with me. There are a lot of things that I could say to that, none of which are nice. I, however, have decided not to be such an exhibitionist on this. Although even as I write of my decision not to be such a drama queen, I at the same time realize that the whole purpose of this is to write out my issues. I’m always talking about how my writing is first and foremost, even before my responsibility to use it for the “betterment of society” (does that sound as pompous as I think it does?), a way for me to vent. A form of therapy. So why deny myself of that…?
Why indeed.
I’m gonna try this again. And this time, there will be blood.
He still blames his not being around on my mother. Says that she kept me from him. Claims that he tried everything to be a part of my life. He wrote letters, bought presents, sent cards but not once were his efforts rewarded with anything but a granite like silence. And then once my mother and I left England for the States, that was it. He didn’t know where or even how to start looking for us.
Do I believe him?
Maybe.
Do I care…?
He’s around you know. Has been for more than six months. I haven’t seen him once. Haven’t even gotten as much as a fucking phone call. And you see, this time, there is no excuse. Not when he sits down and has coffee with my uncle. Not when I’m in touch with Peter, Paul, Patrick and Victoria. Not when I’m right here, so close that he could reach out and touch me. No, there aren’t any excuses. Not this time.
I guess I do.
And so what does it all boil down to? What do the signs say…?
I wrote a story about killing my father once. I stabbed him to death with a cleaver knife. Licked the blood off of the blade when I was done…pretty dark stuff, even for me.
Fucking allergies. They have me sniffling and sneezing and goin’ through clean hankies by the minute. White mucus means that your fine right?
He doesn’t want me. Couldn’t give a damn. Is more concerned with trying to get my Mom back than he is with cultivating a relationship with me. There are a lot of things that I could say to that, none of which are nice. I, however, have decided not to be such an exhibitionist on this. Although even as I write of my decision not to be such a drama queen, I at the same time realize that the whole purpose of this is to write out my issues. I’m always talking about how my writing is first and foremost, even before my responsibility to use it for the “betterment of society” (does that sound as pompous as I think it does?), a way for me to vent. A form of therapy. So why deny myself of that…?
Why indeed.
I’m gonna try this again. And this time, there will be blood.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Hangover Dookie
Well I made it through the night. Through the day too. *hankie wiping forehead, hankie cleaning glasses, hankie scrunched into a relatively small white ball and shoved into back pocket*
No fake messages, no heartfelt confessions and no hand wringing apologies made for things said or done under less than perfect circumstances. I should clap for myself. Trust me; you have no idea what kind of damage I could have caused in the state I was in last night. Drunk Lloyd is like a weapon of mass destruction, he could take out an entire city if given the chance. Ask Gulu, she knows. Ask Julie too, she could probably tell you a story or two. Probably call me an asshole as well. But forget that cuz I have no intention of talking about Julie (no matter how many times you bring her up Eva) not now, not ever cuz that, my dear, was a mistake. Pure and simple. And under the harsh glare of the Ugandan sun, a pretty big one. I mean the woman’s like forty! (Like no joke)
The girl in red however, was fun. A major tease. A master in the art of getting a man to catch and release. Which, believe it or not, was actually part of what made her so much fun. It kept things interesting. Kept things popping like a bag of microwave popcorn. Hell, I’m not even sure she told me her name. In fact, I’m pretty sure that she made it a point not to. And so all I really remember about her is the big hair (a weave I’m sure), the plunging neck line of that red blouse of hers (she had quite the bust) and her preferred drink; Gilbey’s w/ ice & a slice of lemon (the girl gulped them down like they were ice teas…) Not that I wasn’t doing any drinking of my own. UG & Tonic baby, you know how we do. That shit loosens me up. Gets my ass on the floor. It sure as hell got my ass on the floor with Miss Plunging Neck Line that night.
The song that comes to mind is that Rihanna & Drizzy joint. You know how it goes. Don’t make me make you sing along…
She was good with her hips. Knew how to move her feet. Knew how to wind fast and how to grind slow…
Fast forward though and I spent most of the following day with my head in someone’s toilet. Bongo’s and Sharon’s to be precise. Had a bit of the squirts as well. Nasty stuff. Especially the time when I didn’t quite make it in time. Alcohol scented dookie on the seat of your lucky boxers isn’t exactly a sexy look. Especially when runny like bird poo. I got some on my jeans as well. And on my t-shirt. Not my finest moment. And the worst part? Having to hand wash my shit stained clothes and then explain to Sharon that I had to borrow some of Bongo’s because mine were all wet. Humiliation unparalleled.
You would think that such an experience would have me vowing never to touch the Devil’s Drink again. *Sardonic smile* not quite…
No fake messages, no heartfelt confessions and no hand wringing apologies made for things said or done under less than perfect circumstances. I should clap for myself. Trust me; you have no idea what kind of damage I could have caused in the state I was in last night. Drunk Lloyd is like a weapon of mass destruction, he could take out an entire city if given the chance. Ask Gulu, she knows. Ask Julie too, she could probably tell you a story or two. Probably call me an asshole as well. But forget that cuz I have no intention of talking about Julie (no matter how many times you bring her up Eva) not now, not ever cuz that, my dear, was a mistake. Pure and simple. And under the harsh glare of the Ugandan sun, a pretty big one. I mean the woman’s like forty! (Like no joke)
The girl in red however, was fun. A major tease. A master in the art of getting a man to catch and release. Which, believe it or not, was actually part of what made her so much fun. It kept things interesting. Kept things popping like a bag of microwave popcorn. Hell, I’m not even sure she told me her name. In fact, I’m pretty sure that she made it a point not to. And so all I really remember about her is the big hair (a weave I’m sure), the plunging neck line of that red blouse of hers (she had quite the bust) and her preferred drink; Gilbey’s w/ ice & a slice of lemon (the girl gulped them down like they were ice teas…) Not that I wasn’t doing any drinking of my own. UG & Tonic baby, you know how we do. That shit loosens me up. Gets my ass on the floor. It sure as hell got my ass on the floor with Miss Plunging Neck Line that night.
The song that comes to mind is that Rihanna & Drizzy joint. You know how it goes. Don’t make me make you sing along…
She was good with her hips. Knew how to move her feet. Knew how to wind fast and how to grind slow…
Fast forward though and I spent most of the following day with my head in someone’s toilet. Bongo’s and Sharon’s to be precise. Had a bit of the squirts as well. Nasty stuff. Especially the time when I didn’t quite make it in time. Alcohol scented dookie on the seat of your lucky boxers isn’t exactly a sexy look. Especially when runny like bird poo. I got some on my jeans as well. And on my t-shirt. Not my finest moment. And the worst part? Having to hand wash my shit stained clothes and then explain to Sharon that I had to borrow some of Bongo’s because mine were all wet. Humiliation unparalleled.
You would think that such an experience would have me vowing never to touch the Devil’s Drink again. *Sardonic smile* not quite…
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Coffee. Wine. Tequila> Keyboard
1:50 am
Two Iced mochas, three swallows of wine and four shots of tequila and there’s only one person I can think about. Which really sux cuz I thought that I was over her. Like really. But I see her once. All dolled up and I’m back to wanting to text her a fake mistake message so that she thinks that I’m texting someone else yet I’m really texting her just to make her think ive got other prospects and my finger juss slipped and I sent the message to her instead. Pretty pathetic right? I’m getting a lil tipsy here. This shit is pretty strong. This shit is pr and and…One person who’s rolling around my mind like a lost marble at the bottom of my rainbow painted chest of toys.
1:58 am
I want more wine but I don’t wanna finish it cuz the powers that be may start to ask questions. The tequila’s done. Did I have that before or after the wine///? I’m not quite sure. But I like the way that this feels. What was I talking about again…? Oh yeah, love. Or the lack there of. Or the loss of love. Ii cant wait for entourage season 8 to start. Its gonna be the last season. Its had apretty good run. 8 seasons aint nothing to laugh at. I remember saying as much to both Nathan and fifi. I kind of have a crush on her btw.fifi I mean. Don’t ask me how…oh god if youre reading this fifi juss know I’m not sober. I do however, mean everything that I’m saying. For the most part anyway.
2:03 am
I still love her. God, how is that even possible? Ive got Adele singing in my ear that she will always love me…how appropriate. It’s a pretty good album. 21 that is. Miriam refered to it as “another one of adele’s breakup albums”. Suitable, considering. Changing the song now…now playing: “I’m gonna find another you”- John Mayer. I’m starting to get drowsy. Do you think posting while drunk is a bad idea???? It should be. Wait, I was thinking that I asked whether posting while drunk was illegal. My bad. Maybe I should find a more up beat song to write to…
2:11 am
Now playing: Lil Freak- usher
More wine. Need more wine...
REPEAT
Gulu’s known for all the freaks it has. And I’m not talking about…
Juss re-read what I juss wrote…think I’ll take things in another direction…
Pro lover- Usher
I was trying to figure out the number of girls ive slept with and I’m all up in the double digits. Not proud of it but it is what it is. I’m starting to slow down. The words are getting harder to come by…this shit is rea;;y starting to take affect. Almost dozxing at the computr. I swear this song would sound so awesome if it was played on a big sound system. Ithas that 90’s feel to it. Its about to end…time to look for another…
2:26 am
Well look at that, its my favorite number…226
Was starting to feel like I was gonna puke so had to get some water in my system. Didn’t take a lot but juss enough to take that queasy feelin away. Well not entirely but juss enough. I feel like texting her. Like right now. I guess its engrained in me. Me not mentioning her name in anything I right. Its an old habit that has been with me since she became a subject of my lil musings…shes actually the one who insisted on it. I asked whether she minded if I wrote about her and she said she didn’t mind as long as I didn’t use her name. well that’s one promise ive managed to keep. The rest…not so much. I’m kind of an unreliable douche bag. If you want something done, DON’T count on me. You’ll juss get disappointed. Huh, I knew getting buzzed got you honest but like this? Like really? I guess it aint that bad though. I’m rambling aren’t i? at least that means the water did what it was supposed to do. Get me from sluggish, I’m gonna false asleep at me desk Lloyd, to typing a mile a minute of absoulute nonsense Lloyd.
Next song
Love song- adele…yet again. I don’t have that much music on this computer. The other ones in the shop and the ipod is shot to shit. It crashes even when I try to play that ipod quiz. 120 gb and its totally useless.
2:34 am
“…I will always love you…”
Fuck. Bitch. Cunt. Straddle. I slept with a prostitute and I liked it and I cant wait to do it again…only that particular one though. She was hot, gave me the girlfriend experience and was cheap as shit. Juss re read the last sentence; contemplating on deleting it (I’m so gonna regret this in the morning) but fuck it…I don’t wanna curse but I feel like my fingers aren’t even my own any more . I’m juss writing…typing…smiling…climbing…fighting…”its really over, u made ur stand, you got me crying, as well as you planned, but when this loneliness is thrugh, I’m gonna find another you…” john mayer. Playlist so don’t ask why I’m listening to the song again. Upbeat, upbeat, upbeat…
I need to piss…
2:41 am
I was half hoping my piss would be the color of the wine ive been drinkn. Red. Now that would be cool…
Searching for another song…
“Light up” drake
I wrote a rhyme to this song once upon a time. It actually wasn’t that bad. Think ive got it some where…juss hold on a sec…
“Uh, I got caught up in entrapment/ don't even know what happened/ thought I had her figured out/ I guess I had her backwards/ pretty little doo-wop/ who was weighed down by the sadness/ couldn't see a pharisee/ even with these glasses/ five foot five/ with a body that could light a fuse/ swagged to the nines/ showed out in the fliest shoes/ Monday to Friday/ she rocked the finest business suits/ one of a kind/ cos' she always kept it humble too/ who knew/ she would be something I would rap about/ like suicidal thoughts/ that I've been forced to grapple out/ or a paralyzing poison/ sending my senses packing south/ or a story for the boys/ who loved the life of whiling out/
uh, I know for sure I didn't/ proverbs always told me to be cautious of these women/ cos' she's in the choir/ don't mean that purity's a given/ and you know this flesh of ours/ is susceptible to sinning/ what?/ you're tired of hearing about my dirty linen?/ just give me sixty seconds/ I'll be finished in a minute/ it didn't take long for the hugging and the kissing/ to become a routine and soon I started slipping/ dipping/ in waters that I knew I really shouldn't/ lines were getting blurred/ but to her/ it didn't make a difference/ until she had suspicions and a reason to believe that/ that I could have got her pregnant and I was going to have her kid/ and at that very moment/ my life flashed before my eyes/ I can tell you homie/ it doesn't only happen when you die/ and something else happened/ she left me to decide/ and as the air that I breathe/ I wish I had declined.”
…Found it.
STILL think it aint that bad. Though it aint that good…playing the song again…
2:50 am
Ok, this getting kinda long…think I’m gonna call this a rap. Have no idea how people are gonna receive this. Guess the fact that I’m even thinking about that means I’m starting to sober up…*pursing of the lips* not necessarily a bad thing btw. Still don’t wanna sleep, still wanna text someone, still wanna make out with someone…stellas the easiestchoice of course but I don’t even think she knows I’m around. Eunice I’m sorry I pulled that dick move on you at GC. I should have come and said hi and not juss given u a fuckin ‘sup nod. You deserved so much more than that. I guess I juss thought that it would be awkward because of who I had with me…and oh there was also the issue of that heavy ass box I was carrying, but fuck that’s juss an excuse, the box thing I mean. Maybe I don’t need to apologize, maybe you don’t even care…
2:57 am
Britney is bi polar. I wish I had some sort of mental disease. Then I could blame all my nonsense on that shit. Fuck, mosquitoes are starting to chew on my ass. I really don’t know if I’m gonna be able to wake up for church in the morning. Saw howie at nakumatt tonight. Was hanging wih angella and eva. Nathan was there too, had juss come from his birthday hang thing…didn’t sound like he had much fun but there u go. On the other hand though, angie’s play was awesome. I loved it. I’m glad I went. Thanx eva for goin with me. And maclynn I’m sorry for not callin like I said I would. I’m an ass. A lil too much name droppin u think?
Tighten up- the black keys….
3:02 am
Dozing…typing with one hand…face is oily, need to wash it but I really don’t think I’m gonna dot dot dot
Fuck.
“I cant go on this way”- Beenie Sigel
I’m done.
Two Iced mochas, three swallows of wine and four shots of tequila and there’s only one person I can think about. Which really sux cuz I thought that I was over her. Like really. But I see her once. All dolled up and I’m back to wanting to text her a fake mistake message so that she thinks that I’m texting someone else yet I’m really texting her just to make her think ive got other prospects and my finger juss slipped and I sent the message to her instead. Pretty pathetic right? I’m getting a lil tipsy here. This shit is pretty strong. This shit is pr and and…One person who’s rolling around my mind like a lost marble at the bottom of my rainbow painted chest of toys.
1:58 am
I want more wine but I don’t wanna finish it cuz the powers that be may start to ask questions. The tequila’s done. Did I have that before or after the wine///? I’m not quite sure. But I like the way that this feels. What was I talking about again…? Oh yeah, love. Or the lack there of. Or the loss of love. Ii cant wait for entourage season 8 to start. Its gonna be the last season. Its had apretty good run. 8 seasons aint nothing to laugh at. I remember saying as much to both Nathan and fifi. I kind of have a crush on her btw.fifi I mean. Don’t ask me how…oh god if youre reading this fifi juss know I’m not sober. I do however, mean everything that I’m saying. For the most part anyway.
2:03 am
I still love her. God, how is that even possible? Ive got Adele singing in my ear that she will always love me…how appropriate. It’s a pretty good album. 21 that is. Miriam refered to it as “another one of adele’s breakup albums”. Suitable, considering. Changing the song now…now playing: “I’m gonna find another you”- John Mayer. I’m starting to get drowsy. Do you think posting while drunk is a bad idea???? It should be. Wait, I was thinking that I asked whether posting while drunk was illegal. My bad. Maybe I should find a more up beat song to write to…
2:11 am
Now playing: Lil Freak- usher
More wine. Need more wine...
REPEAT
Gulu’s known for all the freaks it has. And I’m not talking about…
Juss re-read what I juss wrote…think I’ll take things in another direction…
Pro lover- Usher
I was trying to figure out the number of girls ive slept with and I’m all up in the double digits. Not proud of it but it is what it is. I’m starting to slow down. The words are getting harder to come by…this shit is rea;;y starting to take affect. Almost dozxing at the computr. I swear this song would sound so awesome if it was played on a big sound system. Ithas that 90’s feel to it. Its about to end…time to look for another…
2:26 am
Well look at that, its my favorite number…226
Was starting to feel like I was gonna puke so had to get some water in my system. Didn’t take a lot but juss enough to take that queasy feelin away. Well not entirely but juss enough. I feel like texting her. Like right now. I guess its engrained in me. Me not mentioning her name in anything I right. Its an old habit that has been with me since she became a subject of my lil musings…shes actually the one who insisted on it. I asked whether she minded if I wrote about her and she said she didn’t mind as long as I didn’t use her name. well that’s one promise ive managed to keep. The rest…not so much. I’m kind of an unreliable douche bag. If you want something done, DON’T count on me. You’ll juss get disappointed. Huh, I knew getting buzzed got you honest but like this? Like really? I guess it aint that bad though. I’m rambling aren’t i? at least that means the water did what it was supposed to do. Get me from sluggish, I’m gonna false asleep at me desk Lloyd, to typing a mile a minute of absoulute nonsense Lloyd.
Next song
Love song- adele…yet again. I don’t have that much music on this computer. The other ones in the shop and the ipod is shot to shit. It crashes even when I try to play that ipod quiz. 120 gb and its totally useless.
2:34 am
“…I will always love you…”
Fuck. Bitch. Cunt. Straddle. I slept with a prostitute and I liked it and I cant wait to do it again…only that particular one though. She was hot, gave me the girlfriend experience and was cheap as shit. Juss re read the last sentence; contemplating on deleting it (I’m so gonna regret this in the morning) but fuck it…I don’t wanna curse but I feel like my fingers aren’t even my own any more . I’m juss writing…typing…smiling…climbing…fighting…”its really over, u made ur stand, you got me crying, as well as you planned, but when this loneliness is thrugh, I’m gonna find another you…” john mayer. Playlist so don’t ask why I’m listening to the song again. Upbeat, upbeat, upbeat…
I need to piss…
2:41 am
I was half hoping my piss would be the color of the wine ive been drinkn. Red. Now that would be cool…
Searching for another song…
“Light up” drake
I wrote a rhyme to this song once upon a time. It actually wasn’t that bad. Think ive got it some where…juss hold on a sec…
“Uh, I got caught up in entrapment/ don't even know what happened/ thought I had her figured out/ I guess I had her backwards/ pretty little doo-wop/ who was weighed down by the sadness/ couldn't see a pharisee/ even with these glasses/ five foot five/ with a body that could light a fuse/ swagged to the nines/ showed out in the fliest shoes/ Monday to Friday/ she rocked the finest business suits/ one of a kind/ cos' she always kept it humble too/ who knew/ she would be something I would rap about/ like suicidal thoughts/ that I've been forced to grapple out/ or a paralyzing poison/ sending my senses packing south/ or a story for the boys/ who loved the life of whiling out/
uh, I know for sure I didn't/ proverbs always told me to be cautious of these women/ cos' she's in the choir/ don't mean that purity's a given/ and you know this flesh of ours/ is susceptible to sinning/ what?/ you're tired of hearing about my dirty linen?/ just give me sixty seconds/ I'll be finished in a minute/ it didn't take long for the hugging and the kissing/ to become a routine and soon I started slipping/ dipping/ in waters that I knew I really shouldn't/ lines were getting blurred/ but to her/ it didn't make a difference/ until she had suspicions and a reason to believe that/ that I could have got her pregnant and I was going to have her kid/ and at that very moment/ my life flashed before my eyes/ I can tell you homie/ it doesn't only happen when you die/ and something else happened/ she left me to decide/ and as the air that I breathe/ I wish I had declined.”
…Found it.
STILL think it aint that bad. Though it aint that good…playing the song again…
2:50 am
Ok, this getting kinda long…think I’m gonna call this a rap. Have no idea how people are gonna receive this. Guess the fact that I’m even thinking about that means I’m starting to sober up…*pursing of the lips* not necessarily a bad thing btw. Still don’t wanna sleep, still wanna text someone, still wanna make out with someone…stellas the easiestchoice of course but I don’t even think she knows I’m around. Eunice I’m sorry I pulled that dick move on you at GC. I should have come and said hi and not juss given u a fuckin ‘sup nod. You deserved so much more than that. I guess I juss thought that it would be awkward because of who I had with me…and oh there was also the issue of that heavy ass box I was carrying, but fuck that’s juss an excuse, the box thing I mean. Maybe I don’t need to apologize, maybe you don’t even care…
2:57 am
Britney is bi polar. I wish I had some sort of mental disease. Then I could blame all my nonsense on that shit. Fuck, mosquitoes are starting to chew on my ass. I really don’t know if I’m gonna be able to wake up for church in the morning. Saw howie at nakumatt tonight. Was hanging wih angella and eva. Nathan was there too, had juss come from his birthday hang thing…didn’t sound like he had much fun but there u go. On the other hand though, angie’s play was awesome. I loved it. I’m glad I went. Thanx eva for goin with me. And maclynn I’m sorry for not callin like I said I would. I’m an ass. A lil too much name droppin u think?
Tighten up- the black keys….
3:02 am
Dozing…typing with one hand…face is oily, need to wash it but I really don’t think I’m gonna dot dot dot
Fuck.
“I cant go on this way”- Beenie Sigel
I’m done.
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