Hit the Person Sitting Next to You Over the Head With Your Bible Day

Pen to pad, finger tip to key, one eye on the horizon, one to the past and here we go...

But first, it will only take a moment I promise, let us pray (all eyes closed and all heads bowed):

“Lord give me grace and dancing feet

And the power to impress

Lord give me grace and dancing feet

Let me outshine the moon.

Tonight make me unstoppable

And I will charm, I will slice

I will dazzle them with my wit

Tonight make me unstoppable

And I will charm, I will slice

I will dazzle, I will outshine them all.”

Amen. Now, with that out of the way...

Has anyone seen my tattoo? I seemed to have misplaced it. Maybe you've come across it. It's black, about yay high, kind of exotic looking, claims to be “Eternity” in the ink. It was last seen on the right side of my neck. After some girl (name politely withheld) tried to suck it off with her Hoover tunnel mouth. Or at least thats what it seemed like. She just wouldn't let up. I don't know which nigga lied to her but for future reference, ladies, sucking on the neck does not turn us on. We men. We like head. Whether it's in the back of a special hire or in the corner stall of the ladies room at Barbecue Lounge on a Tuesday afternoon after three long island ice teas (those things work wonders by the way). Both the ice teas and the head. Give a nigga good head and he'll be likely to keep you around. Give a nigga great head and his black ass will be likely to ask you to be his Official Girl. These are trade secrets ladies so I hope youre taking notes...
but enough about The Head. Let's talk about something a tad more...what's the word I'm looking for? Oh yes: palatable. I know I had a few people squirming in their seats for a few sentences there. But fear not prudes, shrews and church fairing women over the age of 35, it was but a minor digression. But even though that may be the case, please do keep in mind that these are home truths I speak of. Whether you like it or not.
Now, has anyone seen my tattoo? I seemed to have misplaced it. Maybe you've come across it. It's black, about yay high, kind of exotic looking...wait, Ive already said that haven't I...? Crap. Lemme think, lemme see...right. Here we go. Wait, not yet, I gotta pee. BRB...

*7 minutes later* i.e Not spent in Heaven

Phew. I thought I would never get out of there. And you know what the messed up part is? I don't even feel any better. I still feel like someone is holding my bladder in a vicious choke hold and now on top of that, I feel hungry. Weird combination right? And not just hungry but like “OMG! I feel like I havnt eaten in the past two days” kind of hungry. And if theres one thing you should know about me, it's that I dont, nay I can not, function properly when my stomach ( my best friend third only to God and my...um, *quiet clearing of the throat* Toshiba lap top) has not been taken care of. Probably the reason I dont seem to be making any sense right now. Not even to myself. Not a common occurrence I assure you. Solution? Simple. Remove pen from pad, finger tip from key, eye from horizon, eye from past and get something in my friggin belly. And in the meantime...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qex0OjXolzc