A Lost Page From My Diary (I Wonder)

I wonder about a lot of things. About how different things would have turned out if certain things had been different. I wonder what kind of man I would have become if I had known my father. If he had been more than just a huge hole in my heart that over the years I have forced myself to ignore. Would I have grown up to walk like him, or talk like him, pr sit on my ass and dream like only a dreamer can, like him. But you, this here is where the strange part is, because I already do all of those things, like him. And if that is the case, I wonder, does that mean that I'm destined to fail like him?

A bitter pill to swallow but something Ive realized I have to face.

In the one candid conversation I ever had with my mom about my father she told me that he was weak. That staying with him would have meant an existence full of fighting and raised voices, strife and tears she had no desire to cry.

“That was no environment to raise a child in.” she told me.

“And so I left. I left because I love you...more than you could ever know. I left because I did not want you to turn out like him.”

well guess what mom, Twenty-two years down the line and I have...turned out just like him. They say that I look just like him when he was my age. Only that I'm a little taller and I wear my beard a little different.

The few times that I have met him, I guess I can see why people might say that. He is most definitely my father and I am most definitely his son. But I can also see what my mom saw. And just like her, I don't want to turn out like that. I don't. I wont. I do not. I will not. I will fight it with every breath I take. And every time it threatens to wash over me, when complacency becomes easier than action, and day dreams more preferable to reality; I will kick, I will scream, I will punch, I will bite and with much gnashing of teeth I will fight...