Day 14: This Valium Makes Me Feel Like I'm on This Song

I'm feeling rather melancholy today. Ever since i saw her actually.
She looked amazing. Almost like a dream i could touch. Sitting down next to her i remember asking myself, had she always been this beautiful. But all in all, seeing her wasnt the same. Too much had happened. Too many things had been said. Too many things had NOT been said...too many miles had come between us.
Seeing her was bitter sweet. Sweet pain. My heart needed it but couldnt take it at the same time.
Add that on top of what had happened that morning with she who shall not be named & i was in pretty bad shape. But as always, i put on my best face. Buried everything deep down in a multi-combination safe. It wasnt until after she had left, after i got back home, after i popped a couple of those valiums that it all began to catch up with me. It was progressive. Starting with a trickle, flowing into a stream & then roaring into a water fall.
I popped a couple more, thinking being doped up would probably help. Mixed in a little weed, a little liquor as well, but it only made things worse.
My cousin said i should talk about it. Offered me a willing ear. I love him for that. Especially with the friction that has been between us. He also said i needed to talk to she who shall not be named. Apologise for what i did- fucking with her brain. No, it was worse than that, i fucked with her heart. I dredged up all those feelings she had worked so hard to bury, gave her false hope & hung her with it. I feel terrible about it. Hell, thats one hell of an understatement, its eating me alive. & the funny thing is, a year ago i wouldnt have blinked twice. Wouldnt have felt anything at all. & thats what your love did for me Sandra. & yes, i just used your name & for the next few lines, i'm talking to you.
You made me human again. Gave me back my soul. & the truth is, without you i feel lost. I dont want to go back to being that person again & as short of a time it has been, i already feel myself being pulled back in. you were my anchor. and thats one of the things that is making letting you go so damn hard.
to be quite honest, i dont know how to switch gears after saying all of that. the release has been nice. and i do think it has helped. of course i havnt said everything thats on mind, that would take a pretty long time. but for the time being, i think i'll be just fine.

"Right side of my brain" by the dream