Day 19: Weddings, Swagger & Facebook

It seems to me like everyone is getting married. Or talking about getting married. Or talking about THINKING about getting married. It really makes no difference to me. Ive heard the word marriage so many times these past few months that in my mind its right up there with "swagger" & "facebook" for the award for most used word of the year.
I mean, have you looked around you recently? Its like the wedding ring has suddenly become the must have accessory of the season. & i have to admit, its making me a little nauseous. A little green in the face. A little sick to the stomach too. & not only with disgust but with a little envy as well.
You see, it wasnt too long ago when i thought i had found the person i would like to settle down with. Build a home with. Have kids & grow old with. But as it has often been said throughout history, things just didnt turn out to be as simple as i would have liked them to be.
& so now i pout. Wavering between whether i should do something about it or whether i should just let sleeping dogs lie. Say sayonara, goodbye. Better luck next time. Trying to decide whether the effort & the pounds & the piles & the mounds of heartache are worth the outcome. Or if the outcome will even be the one i so desperately desire.
I mean, lets be honest here, when it comes to such things, there are no such things as garauntees. Especially in this case where there are such things as family pressure & an ex boyfriend &, i love her to death but her quite unnerving tendency to never tell you whats really going on. & i only mention this now because the last time we were together, a week ago actually, (wow, why does it feel so much longer than that?) i had the distinct feeling there was something she wasnt telling me. I suppose i could just come right out & ask her but for some reason that seems base. Like i would be prying when i really have no right to be. But at the same time i know that if i wait for HER to say something i'll be waiting a pretty long time...but wait, maybe theres another option. Maybe i'm wrong. Maybe there is no secret shes keeping. Maybe there is no missing puzzle piece. Maybe i'm making this way more complicated than it really needs to be. So many maybe's. Maybe, maybe, maybe. But then...maybe not.
Much good stirring up the cauldron has done me. Now i have to try & fall asleep with all these maybe's & conspiracies & "what hasnt she told me's?" swirling around my head. My only hope is that the rain will do something to nullify their effect.

& to that effect,

goodnight.